Ok, I guess most of you have guessed, gathered, assumed, or figured out by now that something is up. Things aren't the same as they "used" to be. And I'm not talking about "online" here or "blog" shit, I'm talking the real deal here - REAL LIFE. I avoid certain talk, certain names, certain topics. Obviously I do this on purpose. I've never felt the need to have to explain myself and 99% of you have been very respectful in that manner and I do, honestly I do, appreciate that.
1) My life is not entertainment. Hey, you don't have to tell me that "look, you're the one who writes a blog for the entire www to read." I know that - duh. And I do realize that a lot of you actually care about me and my children and that you don't just read for "entertainment" sake, that you don't just "lurk" around here for the fun of it. But as much as that is true, so is the fact that there ARE those whose only sole purpose is to do those things. I'm not comfortable with spilling my heart and soul out to those who only care about KNOWING what's going on, not actually caring about WHO it's going on about. Make sense? I hurt like everyone else. Some may think that I have a tough shell, but I'm human, too.
2). I'm trying to maintain some sort of maturity and respect and I feel that if I talk/vent/discuss certain topics, the respect I'm trying to hold onto will fly out the window. Even though there are those (Sorry, couldn't resist!) who do not deserve my respect, I know that I'm better than that and I do have some dignity. But I'm being pushed. Pushed hard and it's getting hard to maintain that level of respect. Push hard enough, and guess what? - I push back!
I feel like I used to write from the heart. I used to pour my feelings into entries and really put a piece of me into what I was writing. Now I don't feel like I can - and I don't. What I write just isn't real to me anymore. I can't be open anymore, can't just say what I feel. I'm tired of my words coming back. Tired of them being thrown around, thrown in my face. I'm tired of what I say being twisted and contorted to suite someone else's argument. I'm just tired.
I've made some really great friends here and some of you in real life. Those of you who have supported me and have given me your hand in friendship and you're shoulder to lean on...to cry on. Thank you just isn't enough. You've shared in my excitement, my feats, my challenges, my sadness and grief, my triumphs and accomplishments. You've shared in my silly moments, my funny moments and my every-day-life-moments. You've shared in proud mama moments and shared and allowed me to just be me. VirgoJen isn't just a name, it's me damnit. I don't use it to "hide" or make up a life I "wished" I lived. Far from it. I'm a person, not a persona.
This is hard. It actually makes me sad, but I just don't see how I can be "allowed" to move on...and still be able to keep this gig going.
To protect myself, my life, my children and our privacy, and also my heart, I think it's best that VirgoJen politely bow and draw the curtain.
Just fade out.
Fade out and just go...
(I'm not editing this, I'm not changing this, and I'm not proofing this. It's going up raw, which is exactly how I feel right now.)