Virgo Jen

To which you may not have expected

Ok, I guess most of you have guessed, gathered, assumed, or figured out by now that something is up.  Things aren't the same as they "used" to be.  And I'm not talking about "online" here or "blog" shit, I'm talking the real deal here - REAL LIFE.  I avoid certain talk, certain names, certain topics.  Obviously I do this on purpose.  I've never felt the need to have to explain myself and 99% of you have been very respectful in that manner and I do, honestly I do, appreciate that. 

1) My life is not entertainment.  Hey, you don't have to tell me that "look, you're the one who writes a blog for the entire www to read."  I know that - duh.  And I do realize that a lot of you actually care about me and my children and that you don't just read for "entertainment" sake, that you don't just "lurk" around here for the fun of it.  But as much as that is true, so is the fact that there ARE those whose only sole purpose is to do those things.  I'm not comfortable with spilling my heart and soul out to those who only care about KNOWING what's going on, not actually caring about WHO it's going on about.  Make sense?  I hurt like everyone else.  Some may think that I have a tough shell, but I'm human, too. 

2). I'm trying to maintain some sort of maturity and respect and I feel that if I talk/vent/discuss certain topics, the respect I'm trying to hold onto will fly out the window.  Even though there are those (Sorry, couldn't resist!) who do not deserve my respect, I know that I'm better than that and I do have some dignity.  But I'm being pushed.  Pushed hard and it's getting hard to maintain that level of respect.  Push hard enough, and guess what? -  I push back! 

I feel like I used to write from the heart.  I used to pour my feelings into entries and really put a piece of me into what I was writing.  Now I don't feel like I can - and I don't.  What I write just isn't real to me anymore.  I can't be open anymore, can't just say what I feel.  I'm tired of my words coming back.  Tired of them being thrown around, thrown in my face.  I'm tired of what I say being twisted and contorted to suite someone else's argument.  I'm just tired. 

I've made some really great friends here and some of you in real life.  Those of you who have supported me and have given me your hand in friendship and you're shoulder to lean on...to cry on.  Thank you just isn't enough.  You've shared in my excitement, my feats, my challenges, my sadness and grief, my triumphs and accomplishments.  You've shared in my silly moments, my funny moments and my every-day-life-moments.  You've shared in proud mama moments and shared and allowed me to just be me.   VirgoJen isn't just a name, it's me damnit.  I don't use it to "hide" or make up a life I "wished" I lived.  Far from it.  I'm a person, not a persona. 

This is hard.  It actually makes me sad, but I just don't see how I can be "allowed" to move on...and still be able to keep this gig going.   

To protect myself, my life, my children and our privacy, and also my heart, I think it's best that VirgoJen politely bow and draw the curtain. 

Just fade out. 

Fade out and just go...

(I'm not editing this, I'm not changing this, and I'm not proofing this.  It's going up raw, which is exactly how I feel right now.)

Friday it is!

• My son woke up early and came into my bed where we shared some quiet snuggle time and mother/son talk.  It was still dark out, the house was still, the warmth of his body next to mine and his little face looking up at me telling me what he thinks about the world.  It couldn't have been more perfect.  We shared this moment for quite awhile before it was time to get up and get him ready for school. 
• After he was off to school, my daughter was still asleep, which allowed me to crawl back into bed, snuggle up with my heated blanket  (a little piece of heaven!) and finish reading my book.  I enjoyed the peace and quiet and drank up the "me" time.
• I had almost two hours of time on the PC this morning, sipping my warm coffee, surfing various blogs, reading my local news, and checking out some of my favorite peeps on the 365 days project.  My god some of those people inspire me and touch my soul.  It's amazing what you can express and capture through a photograph.  Talent in deed!  I hope I'm doing the project justice with my own work. 
• Ate my morning cereal with the house totally quiet (Daughter *still* sleeping!) while flipping though a magazine.
• Daughter *STILL* sleeping so I enjoyed a hot relaxing bubble bath.  Got out, lotioned up, threw on some cozy clothes and started some laundry.  Then I painted my toe nails and my fingernails.
• Daughter is *STILL* sleeping (it's 11:30am!) but I'm going to go wake her up because I MISS HER!
• This afternoon we are heading out to run errands and get some misc. things accomplished.  I don't work Friday's so it's been a weekly ritual for us - Friday Mother/Daughter day.  I cherish it and she loves being out and about with me and she's great to have along.  It's supposed to be near 60 (again!) today so we are going to enjoy the warm sun while out.
• Later this afternoon one of my best girls is coming for a visit.  She's bringing her two kids and they're all spending the night.  Collin is way excited to have friends staying and I can't wait to spend some quality girlfriend time with one of my dearest friends.

It's shaping up to be a fabulous Friday...we'll see how the rest of the day compares! 

Have a great weekend!

Note:  Wondering why my daughter, who normally wakes around 7am, is still doing asleep?  Well after a few hours of sleep last night she decided she wanted to wake.  She never actually got up and I never went into her room, but she stayed up for a few hours and I could hear her talking to herself and singing Happy Birthday to herself.  It was very touching.  She finally fell back to sleep, and decided to sleep in this morning.  Beauty sleep you know. 

Note II:  I was in the process providing more linkity-link-links in my entry but daughter is ACTUALLY UP so I'm bolting to go get her.  I can't wait to see her cute little face!!!   

Grades Are In

I *finally* got my grade for the fall term and I'm obviously quite pleased with myself.

I ended up with a high B!    (*huge sigh of relief!*)

Ya-freakin-hoooooooooo!

It certainly wasn't easy juggling everything while still trying to maintain a decent GPA, and there were even a few times I didn't know if I'd make it.  But I did.  Off to do a happy dance & give myself a huge pat on the back.  That's one more check off my academic list.  Thanks for all your support. 

(birthday pictures and update soon...)

She's 3

Thank you for three of the most amazing years of my life.  I know that I'm supposed to be the one teaching and showing you what the world is about, but you have been the one to teach and show me what the world is *really* about.  Thank you.

You and your brother make me so proud & I love you both, every day. 

Happy Birthday my dear sweet Ireland...I celebrate you!

Love, Mommy

HNT ~ Dec. 7

Seek Up ~ Dave Matthews Band

Sometimes I feel like I'm falling
Fall back again, fall back again,
Fall back again, fall back again
Oh, life it seems a struggle between
What we see, what we do
I'm not going to change my ways
Just to please you, or appease you
Inside a crowd, five billion proud
Willing to punch it out
Right, wrong, weak, strong
Ashes to ashes, all fall down
Look around about this roundabout
This merry-go-round and round
If at all God's gaze upon us falls
It's with a mischievous grin, look at him

Forget about the reasons and
The treasons we are seeking
Forget about the notion that
Our emotions can be kept at bay
Forget about being guilty,
We are innocent instead
For soon we will all find our lives swept away

Look at me in my fancy car
And my bank account
Oh, how I wish I could take it all down
Into my grave, I'd save and save
Take a look again, take a look again,
Take a look again at things you have collected
In the end it all ties up so tall
To one big nothing, one big nothing at all

Forget about the reasons and
The treasons we are seeking
Forget about the notion that our emotions can be
Swept away, kept at bay
Forget about being guilty, we are innocent instead
For soon we will all find our lives swept away

You seek up an emotion
And our cup is overflowing
You seek up an emotion,
Sometimes your well is dry
You're looking for a monster
For him to fight your wars for you
But when he finds his way to you,
The devil's not going ha, ha.. ha ha

Say, say

Late at night with TV's hungry child
His belly swells
Oh, for a price of a coke or a smoke
I could keep alive those hungry eyes
Take a look again, take a look again
Every day things change, but basically they stay the same

Forget about the reasons and
The treasons we are seeking
Forget about the notion that our emotions can be
Swept away, kept at bay
Forget about being guilty, we are innocent instead
For soon we will all find our lives swept away

You seek up an emotion
And our cup is overflowing
You seek up an emotion,
Sometimes your well is dry
You seek up a big monster
For him to fight your wars for you
But when he finds his way to you,
The devil's not going ha, ha.. ha ha

Fall back again, fall back again
Fall back again, fall back again

         *~*~*~*~*~Happy HNT~*~*~*~*~*

My Mantra

Truely one of THE most powerful quotes I have ever read...

Friday Fun

I didn't have time to do anything with these pictures and the quality is poor, but but it shows just how much goofy fun my daughter and I have been having today and that is what makes them so great. 

We've been out all morning running errands, doing some shopping and of course, stopping at our favorite S*tarbucks for drinks.  I'm the one getting the triple grande peppermint mocha, she's the one with the milk.  Go figure. 

We're home just long enough to eat some lunch and then we're heading out for more errands.  It's cold cold COLD here today, but the sun is shining and we're having a great day. 

Happy Friday to ya and have a great weekend!  Is it really December already?!!!