To which you may not have expected

Ok, I guess most of you have guessed, gathered, assumed, or figured out by now that something is up.  Things aren't the same as they "used" to be.  And I'm not talking about "online" here or "blog" shit, I'm talking the real deal here - REAL LIFE.  I avoid certain talk, certain names, certain topics.  Obviously I do this on purpose.  I've never felt the need to have to explain myself and 99% of you have been very respectful in that manner and I do, honestly I do, appreciate that. 

1) My life is not entertainment.  Hey, you don't have to tell me that "look, you're the one who writes a blog for the entire www to read."  I know that - duh.  And I do realize that a lot of you actually care about me and my children and that you don't just read for "entertainment" sake, that you don't just "lurk" around here for the fun of it.  But as much as that is true, so is the fact that there ARE those whose only sole purpose is to do those things.  I'm not comfortable with spilling my heart and soul out to those who only care about KNOWING what's going on, not actually caring about WHO it's going on about.  Make sense?  I hurt like everyone else.  Some may think that I have a tough shell, but I'm human, too. 

2). I'm trying to maintain some sort of maturity and respect and I feel that if I talk/vent/discuss certain topics, the respect I'm trying to hold onto will fly out the window.  Even though there are those (Sorry, couldn't resist!) who do not deserve my respect, I know that I'm better than that and I do have some dignity.  But I'm being pushed.  Pushed hard and it's getting hard to maintain that level of respect.  Push hard enough, and guess what? -  I push back! 

I feel like I used to write from the heart.  I used to pour my feelings into entries and really put a piece of me into what I was writing.  Now I don't feel like I can - and I don't.  What I write just isn't real to me anymore.  I can't be open anymore, can't just say what I feel.  I'm tired of my words coming back.  Tired of them being thrown around, thrown in my face.  I'm tired of what I say being twisted and contorted to suite someone else's argument.  I'm just tired. 

I've made some really great friends here and some of you in real life.  Those of you who have supported me and have given me your hand in friendship and you're shoulder to lean on...to cry on.  Thank you just isn't enough.  You've shared in my excitement, my feats, my challenges, my sadness and grief, my triumphs and accomplishments.  You've shared in my silly moments, my funny moments and my every-day-life-moments.  You've shared in proud mama moments and shared and allowed me to just be me.   VirgoJen isn't just a name, it's me damnit.  I don't use it to "hide" or make up a life I "wished" I lived.  Far from it.  I'm a person, not a persona. 

This is hard.  It actually makes me sad, but I just don't see how I can be "allowed" to move on...and still be able to keep this gig going.   

To protect myself, my life, my children and our privacy, and also my heart, I think it's best that VirgoJen politely bow and draw the curtain. 

Just fade out. 

Fade out and just go...

(I'm not editing this, I'm not changing this, and I'm not proofing this.  It's going up raw, which is exactly how I feel right now.)

Comments

[Rae]

Hey VJ! I hate to see you go. I know you are going through alot though and I was just thinking that maybe a private blog might help. A blog where you only let those few read. You seem to really enjoy your blogging and I think it could be theraputic to you. Think of you often.

[Jennifer]

You have been on my mind and in my heart for a long time now. I hope you know that I care so much for you and your children. I always have! I totally respect your decision and I hope that if this curtain closes, you'll want to keep in touch.

My prayers and thoughts are with you!

Love~ Jennifer ;0)

[Janis]

I am so sorry to hear that. I will be thinking about you!

[Sue]

Wow. I'm so sorry you feel you need to go but I totally respect that and you will always have my support and friendship.

Take care!

[Heather]

So sorry to hear this, but I completely understand. Hope things with your life get back on track soon. Have a great holiday season and hopefully we'll continue to hear from you into the new year. Take care!

[art]

Well, There are those of us who DO care and wish you and your family the absolutr best. You have my e-mail, feel free to write me. peace~art

[Ninotchka]

Say it isn't so, VJ! I'm truly saddened by this. Is there any way we can convince you to stay? Maybe switch to a photoblog format (basically what you've been for a while now, anyway). I know we'll keep in touch but I'm just so sad to see you close up shop. :(

[Kelly]

I knew this was coming but it's still hard to accept. We first met on iP but it was our blogs that really made a huge impact on our friendship. Your blog has always been one of my favorites, without a doubt. But more importantly, YOU have always been one of my very best friends..... you always will be, blogs or no blogs.

I love you Jennifer and I know this isn't easy for you...I know it just has to be.

I am so truly grateful knowing we will always be so very close and knowing that we will continue to talk on a daily basis.

Not only are you a "person" (not a persona) but you are beautiful my friend, inside and out.

Love,

Me

[Holly]

Jen,

I pray you find the peace you deserve. I will miss reading your blog, of course, but I totally understand that under certain circumstances, it is best to protect yourself in whatever way you feel your family needs.

You are an incredibly strong woman and I will continue to pray that life looks up for you. I hope you'll keep in contact via email and let me know when cool things are happening, like your school stuff or kid stuff or whatever (oh, that would be like blogging, wouldn't it?) Anyway, I do wish you the very best and hope all good things for you and your kids.

God Bless you, VirgoJen.

[Meredith]

Although I don't know the specifics about your situation, I completely understand. I could have written your post about keeping yourself "above" the shitiness that lurks right below the surface. Sometimes the struggle is so hard, so exhausting that you think you're going insane. You certainly don't need this blog to add to it. Thank you for all these years of sharing your life. You will be missed. But I don't need to tell you that.

Much love and respect,
Meredith

[Stephanie]

VJ, all I can say is, I am sorry. You will be missed.

[osbasso]

This is certainly unexpected. To a degree. You are the only one that needs to decide what is best for you, and all we can do is support that. I do wish you luck and that you can find some peace. Please continue to lurk, and let us know if you come back!

[Laura]

Don't go!!!

[kristin]

I am sad to see you leave, but I understand and everyone else will too. I loved reading your blog and hearing about Colin and Ireland and your accomplishments.
You will be missed . :)
Take care and have a Merry Christmas

[Laura]

Ok now that I got that off of my chest...Of course you need to do what you need to do. I am one of many that will miss you though. I have read your diaries and your blog faithfully. Entertainment? Well, I do love and enjoy your writing. I have loved reading about your life and of course your kids. I can't say we have ever talked or met but I do and have cared as if we have. If that makes any sense! Take care of yourself and your little ones. Do what you need to do!

[Lisa]

Oh, Jen, this makes me sad. No one should feel the need to end something that, at least at one time, brought them joy because of jerks.

I'll miss reading the blog, but hopefully, we can still keep in touch!!

[Judy]

I'm really sorry you're leaving. It's been obvious that you're going through something big right now and I kept hoping things would get better. I wish you all the best and hope that you find peace in whatever you do.

[CaraH]

Well, I am sorry that you've had to do this. It was sad for me to close my blog too, even though the event wasn't an "event" per se; it was just time. Take care of yourself, and I wish you nothing but the best in the future.

Love, Cara

p.s. Archive your blog first! Or, if you don't have the time, I know someone that willingly allowed me to hire her to do so. All those words, thoughts, feelings, and emotions over the years were worth every single penny.

[MP]

sorry to hear this, VJ, but I understand. Much like you, I write about me, mostly unfiltered. Having to censor yourself can really suck and take away one of the biggest elements in blogging: just getting it out there. I've considered fading away as well when some unsavory types show up and start making you question everything.

I hope that whatever is happening in your life resolves itself soon. You sound drained and pulled in a million different directions and emotions.

I'll miss you. I feel like I've "known" you for years. I really enjoyed the one time we actually got to meet, face to face, and still have the pictures. Drop me a line from time to time to let me know how you're doing.

MP

[Cathy]

I've never commented here, but wanted to let you know that I'm one of those "caring lurkers" and support you 100%. Best of luck to you & your family. Thanks for being you!

[Cathy]

I've never commented here, but wanted to let you know that I'm one of those "caring lurkers" and support you 100%. Thanks for being you!

[Lisa R]

Jen,
I am another lurker who "cares" for you. I, too, am saddened to see you go and will miss reading your blog. I hope for the best for both you and your family and will keep you in my thought and prayers.

Lisa

[Kate]

Jen - I've written to you a couple times and have followed you from your IP days. (way back when I had a diary there myself) We've never talked but through your postings and diaries I feel like I've come to know you in a small small way. I hate to see you go but then again this isn't amount me. It's about you. During this time you really need to do whats right for you.
Hang in there, stay strong and fight the fight.

All my best,
Katie

[Wendy]

AWWW Jen! You will be missed dearly!! I love your blog, I do not know what else to say...I'll miss you!

Blessings Always!
Wendy

[Jenni]

So sorry to see you go but I totally understand and really miss hearing about your day to day life. However, I do remember what you have gone through due to blogging and "putting yourself out there" and I wouldn't wish that on any one. Good luck with school and your wonderful family. I really enjoyed meeting you IRL, you really are a beautiful person inside and out!

Jenni

If you decide on a password protected blog let me know!